So,
this thick envelope comes through the letterbox. It lands on the floor
and lies there, breathing heavily, radiating a sense of threat. Ah, says
I to myself, it must be from Phil Hogan.
A
billet-doux from the departing giant of Irish politics - off to his
€250,000-a-year EU Commissionership (with exhilarating expenses and
appropriate pension).
How nice of Phil "Yer Boots"
Hogan to leave one last memento of his reign as Enda's Chief Enforcer.
I opened Phil's missive and it was my application form for Irish Water.
I must now fill in a four-page form, "applying" to a commercial company to buy water.
Being
a thoughtful lad, Phil has included a 24-page "Application Guide". The
opening words at the top of page two are: "Who are we?" And they tell us
they're a new company that has a "new funding model" for our water
supply.
There
used to be an old "funding model". It involved taking taxes from us and
using part of those taxes to fund a public water supply. And I'd no
problem with that. I like paying taxes for schools and hospitals and
roads and water and guards and courts and fire brigades - the stuff that
makes us a civilisation.
However,
Phil's lads have been hard at work. And, we're all being forced to
switch to this "new funding model". OK, fair enough, says I, if the
government says it's OK it must be OK.
So, I'll get a tax rebate, since the old funding model is being discontinued, right?
Well, not quite.
The
old funding model will continue taking our taxes, and the new funding
model will run alongside it. Phil and Enda and Joan want us to pay for
water on the double.
And the new lad,
Alan Kelly, who got Phil's job, he's also gung-ho on charging us twice for our water.
Why are they doing this?
They're doing it, my Application Guide tells me, to safeguard a "precious natural resource".
Ah,
now, come on. Fair's fair. For the sake of a quiet life, I pay what I
have to pay. But don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining.
Bankers, speculators and politicians collapsed the exchequer revenue model - to use the jargon.
Just
to complicate things, the politicians funded a gift of - at a
conservative estimate - €64bn to gamblers. Some of them in Ireland, more
in the UK, France, Germany and the USA, to compensate the poor dears
for their bad investment choices.
Since
then, there's been a constant stream of "taxes" and "levies" and
"charges" and increases of various kinds, to plug the hole the gamblers
kicked in the economy.
The
government has diverted a lot of money from crucial services - that's
easy, just let people get sicker or die. But it's not enough.
Ministers
have to come up with plausible excuses for transferring huge wealth
from the citizens - so, they think up new taxes and call them the
Universal Social Charge, the Household Charge, the Local Property Tax,
the Carbon Tax, the New Funding Model for Water - whatever the mugs will
put up with it.
It's
bad enough stiffing us for this money - it's insulting when they expect
us to buy their cover story about the "precious natural resource".
These are the politicians who've stood idly by for years while up to
49pc of treated water leaks into the ground.
Page three of my Application Guide says: "We are at the start of the journey together".
No,
we're not on a journey together. I don't like you. You're not good
company. You're taking me where I don't want to go. It'll cost me money,
and that money goes into your pocket. That's the definition of a
kidnapping, not a "journey together".
At
first, some of us were suspicious of the fact that Irish Water won't
sell us water unless we give them our PPS numbers - and that of every
child in the house.
The
people who sell me electricity and gas and chicken tikka masala can
deliver the stuff to my house without needing my PPS number.
My
name and address - I understand why they want that on their application
form. But my home number? And my mobile? And my email address? And my
bank account details?
I occasionally get phone calls from scammers seeking precisely the same information.
Then, I thought, oh, don't be so paranoid. They just want to pick your pockets, not snoop into your life.
Then I read the small print on the website.
Let
me amend that: the print is small, it's in solid blocks of a sans serif
typeface, grey type on a white background. Not the easiest thing to
read. In fact, one might almost think . . .
Irish
Water say they'll "use PPS Numbers to verify the identity of the
applicants". No need, I'll show you my gas bill, it's got my name and
address. In fact, since Irish Water is owned by
Bord Gais, look it up yourself.
"Data
relating to the Customer may be used for . . . marketing and credit
checking purposes." Really? I'm buying a product, not going into
business with you.
Our personal data, we're told, may be given to other, unspecified, agencies. They'll be careful, they say.
This is the company that a couple of weeks ago sent 6,329 letters to the wrong addresses.
According
to their website, the act of giving them our personal data constitutes
an agreement that they can share it with unspecified third parties. Our
data can be transferred and stored anywhere in the world and processed
by people doing business with Irish Water.
"By submitting data to Irish Water, the Customer agrees to this transfer, storing or processing."
They'll be careful, they say.
If
Irish Water is privatised or part of it is sold to someone, or if they
buy into another company, at any stage, our personal data, they admit,
"will be one of the transferred assets".
It's
not just the new purchaser gets our data. Irish Water "may disclose
Customer data to the prospective seller or buyer". Even those who merely
express an interest in buying Irish Water will have access to all that
information.
They'll be careful, they say.
Our
PPS number is the linchpin of our relationship with the state. It links
to everything - work, tax, social welfare, travel, medical records,
whatever. We don't know how this "asset" will be used.
And
we don't know which other "assets" it can be linked to by imaginative
young techno-nerds who spend too much time behind a keyboard (bank,
credit or mortgage records, perhaps).
Privacy is a concern. But there's also the commercialisation of personal data for the financial benefit of others.
Personal
information, digitised, capable of being processed on an individual or
collective basis, or both, is to be made a commercial "asset". They
insist we give them the information for free, at which point it becomes
an asset they can sell.
We
can, you'll be pleased to hear, find out what data they're storing on
us. But we have to write to a box number in Cork. And pay a fee to see
our own data. We must also "provide suitable proof of identification".
These people are PPS-ing all over us.
The
professional classes are making a killing on this one, with everyone on
premium rates. So far, Irish Water has allocated €86m for consultants
and lawyers. Just setting up the company and its "new funding model" is
budgeted at €150m. On top of which there's a €30m "contingency fund" -
which is technical language for "the way these people charge, we know
the €150m won't be enough".
The
government, I fear, will get away with it. The fighting Irish have
shown a remarkable ability to nod and shuffle and say, "Well, if you
think so, sir, you go right ahead".
For the sake of a quiet life, we pay what we have to pay.
Let
me remind you, as a proud Dub but a realist, that the motto of our
capital is "Obedientia Civium, Urbis Felicitas": The obedient citizen
makes for a happy city.
Well, it makes for happy politicians, happy gamblers, happy consultants, happy lawyers, happy purchasers of valuable "assets".
Sunday Independent
